Ruth is mum to 5 year old Aidan and 3 year old Sarah. She’s from Meath, married to Galway man Mike and lives in Kildare -( practically cosmopolitan ;-)!)
Ruth was formerly the Deputy Sport Editor of the Leinster Leader but when the children came along, juggling family life a with a need to be pitchside at weekends proved an enormous challenge. She now works as an editorial designer for the Iconic Newspaper Group
Ruth suffers with anxiety and spoke to me very honestly about the realities of coping with parenthood while struggling with her mental health.
Realising there was a problem…
It’s hard to pinpoint, because I really only admitted it to myself about three years ago. I think it all started when my father died almost eight years ago. I don’t think I grieved for him properly and it all stemmed from there. In October 2016 I finally sought help and was diagnosed with a stress and anxiety disorder.
How it materialises…
When I don’t have it under control I’m an absolute mess. I stress about everything and I mean everything! I would have an idea of how a day would have to unfold in my head and if it veered off course I really couldn’t cope. I can also be quite obsessive about things at my worst, while I would have real trouble with having any sort of patience.
A lot of people think anxiety is all about being scared of  being out in public, and while social anxiety is a problem for many, it’s actually not a problem I have. My problem was literally being on edge all of the time but I always put on a brave face in public and was always social.
How becoming a parent exasperated things...
The one thing a parent needs in patience! Also children rarely do what you want them to do, so that loss of control was very, very hard to deal with.
The effect on my family…
It’s fine now but before I got it under control I really don’t know how my husband put up with me. I was paranoid and always thought I had done something to upset him when I actually hadn’t. However there was plenty of times I did annoy him with my obsessiveness about keeping the house clean.
I also made life hard for the kids, particularly Aidan. I gave out to him for just doing normal kid things. I’d often freak if he spilled a drink or knocked food from the table. When I think back now, I was a nightmare. My behaviour definitely affected him but, as a family we have worked on that too and he’s a happy go-lucky five year old now, thank God.
I do worry that my stress and anxiety will become a learned behaviour for them.
How I cope…
By taking my medication!! Medication might not be for everyone but, for now, it is for me. I have ceased taking it before and did well for a while and then, out of nowhere, all my stress and anxiety returned and I just couldn’t do it all over again. Now, I don’t feel anything but normal, I just feel level. I don’t sweat the small things, I don’t worry half as much as I used to and I am able to relax.
The children’s awareness…
They can’t not notice. Obviously they are too young to know exactly what’s wrong but don’t kids always pick up on their parent’s moods?Â
I don’t tell them, they are too young. However if I step out of line with the giving out I will always say sorry to them. I think that’s important.
My support…
My husband first and foremost. I think if the roles were reversed I would have thrown him out years ago! He is the most patient and supportive human I know.
Being open about it…
I’m not ashamed of it. It’s part of me so why should I hide it. I wrote a blog post on it and the response I got from other women who felt the exact same way was staggering. If even one of those women sought help having read my post, it meant sharing my mental illness was worth it.
I think some people are slightly taken aback about just how open I am but for the most part, people are fine about it.
The positive it has added to my parenting journey…
I’ve learned to be calm and stop rushing all the time, which the kids love now!
Unhelpful comments…
When people used to tell me to calm down! It was like a red rag to a bull for me! I so desperately wanted to calm down but no matter how hard I tried, I couldn’t.
Advice for other parents going through similar difficulties…
Talk to someone, be it a partner,a friend or even a stranger. When you open up about how you are feeling it will all just come out of you and then you can discuss what route you want to go down in terms of getting help. And remember, it is nothing to be ashamed of.
How to support a friend who is struggling…
Take the person out of the situation that is stressing them. Take them out for dinner or drinks and chat, chat, chat and laugh! Don’t they say laughter is the best medicine!
My favourite thing about parenthood…
Hearing my two babies laugh. My son has the heartiest laugh you will ever hear. I sometimes stand back from the bathroom door when they are in the bath together. They think I am not listening and the two of them are always roaring laughing together as they splash each other. It’s the one thing that will instantly lift my mood.
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