Month: June 2018

Parenting in my shoes – I am a stay at home dad and carer

Alan was born in England to Irish parents and was eventually adopted by an American couple. When his sister tracked down their birth mother, he moved to Ireland where he met his partner  and her two children from a previous relationship. Together they went on to have two more children.

Life threw some curveballs their way which meant Alan had to give up work and become a stay at home dad and carer for his stepson. Here he talks about the realities of a gender role reversal and the challenges and rewards of being a carer.

Alan, his partner and family

Becoming a carer…

I am carer for my stepson, who has a diagnosis of Autisim, ADHD, dyspraxia, a specific learning difficulty (reading) and tics. 

It was during the pregnancy of my son that a couple of things happened resulting in me becoming a Carer. My partner has epilepsy and vitamin B12 deficiency. At the time I was a supervisor on the night shift at Paddy Power. The pregnancy caused my partner to take more, and potentially harmful to the baby, seizures. I was having to leave work early and miss shifts We also got the diagnosis of Autisim, ADHD and Dyspraxia.

Paddy Power were brilliant and allowed me time off, stepping down as supervisor and onto a fixed shift pattern. Sadly this didn’t work out and we made the decision for me to leave work and become my stepson’s full-time carer.

The reactions of others…

To be honest I don’t tell people. With the exception of close friends. If I’m asked what I do for “work” I just reply Carer and they assume I work in a care home. I’m not sure if this is to avoid possible negative responses or more to do with the fact that I might still not have fully adjusted to the fact I no longer “work” for a living.

What my role as carer involves…

My role as his carer is no different than my role as his step father. With her Epilepsy and therefore Mr being able to drive it means I’m the main person who takes him to the many appointments he has. Occupational Therapy, Psychology, Behavioural Groups, Paediatrics to name a few. I will also be the main contact point for the learning support teacher at school.

The most challenging part of being a carer…

The most challenging thing is that you are on call 24 hours a day! I know this is true for all parents, but when Buddy (Alan’s biological son) goes to school there isn’t the thought “he was off form his morning, am I going to get halfway to the supermarket before I get a call that there’s been an incident and I have to turn around?”

There is also the mountain of paperwork that a child with additional needs generates. Ensuring that there is no double booking of appointments between him and anyone else in the family. Trying to fit them around the subjects he enjoys or needs extra help with and can’t afford to miss. As well as keeping on top of prescriptions, medicine for the school nurse or SNA to give him at 3pm.

The upsides…

The positives are that I’ve not missed a single sports event, school play, parents evening for any of the children. I’ve also seen every first. Step, tooth, word, day at pre school, Junior Infants and Secondary school. Many of which I’d have missed had I still been doing the job I was.

My support…

None whatsoever. It’s just the Mrs and I. My parents live in the US and we barely see her family, never mind get any help from them.

The thing that would make the biggest difference…

Finances. It’s a struggle making ends meet each month. My parents have seen the grandchildren a total of 4 times. They are too old to travel that far and it took 3 years of saving for us to afford to go over to see them.

My advice for other parents who are carers…

Find something that is just yours. An interest, hobby or a friend. I have twitter and my blog. I have a group of online friends that I chat to most days as well as a parenting group run by a number 1 best selling parenting book author! 😉

My partner has a couple of close friends, who also happen to have a child on the Spectrum or being assessed that she goes to for the chats and a cuppa.

Alan, his sister and family

Parenting in my shoes – I was a teenage mum

​Tracey Smith 36, is from Mayo and is mum to 5 children – Chloe (16), Identical twins Cian and Jamie (7) Callum (3) and Angel baby Grace, who passed away at 28 weeks in 2014.

Tracey is married to Kieran, her college sweetheart, and they’ve been together for 18 years. Early in their relationship,  Tracey  discovered that she was pregnant. Here she chats with me about coping with a shock  pregnancy and discusses the realities of life as a teenage mum.

Meeting my partner…

We got together while we lived in our student accommodation, it was your typical college house, people up all night, no food in the fridge, doors hanging off the hinges…nothing has changed much except the people we live with are younger, smaller and make more of a mess! He is from Cavan but I have never held that against him…much! He was a builder and then when the recession hit he trained to be a chef! I work part time as a marketing manager for a pharmacy chain and I am most proud of graduating with a masters a couple of years back!

Finding out I was pregnant…

So 2 months after myself and Kieran started going out together I wasn’t getting over my hangover from that Karaoke final I was in even after a few days…eventually I went to the college nurse and the strip turned pink. I had just turned 19 and I was in first year of college…we didn’t know each other that well, so it was all well overwhelming. I had really bad morning sickness from the minute the strip turned pink. Being a poor college student didn’t help things. I told my room mate and my house mate and no one else knew.

 

It was April so I knew I didn’t have to go home for another month. I was in complete denial looking back. I moved back home the end of May and got a part time job, I didn’t do my exams at college and I still hadn’t told my parents.

Hiding our news…

We had made the decision to continue the pregnancy earlier on, but I concealed it until I was 6 months. I spent the whole summer getting bigger and they were none the wiser. I was quite thin so I often wonder how they never noticed. When I was over 6 months I came home from work one day and my mother had found my pregnancy bible. She asked who did it belong to and I had to admit the truth.

 

She didn’t speak to me for a week.

 

I told my dad that evening and he came up to my room and told me everything was going to be okay, I was shocked he was so accepting. That day my brothers and sister also found out, I was the youngest in the family and the first one who went to 3rd level. I had a lot of expectation on my shoulders.

How others treated me…

Kieran was supportive from the beginning whatever I wanted he was happy with. My mother was very disappointed, my dad was sad for me. The consultant and midwives definitely treated me differently because of my age.

The initial impact…

There was no immediate impact because we concealed the pregnancy for 6 months, Kieran found it hard to tell his parents even at that stage. I was about 8 months when he eventually did tell them. I had moved home as college had finished up and Kieran was doing an apprenticeship in Limerick at the time. I had planned to take the year out and return to college and repeat my first year, we had planned to go back to Letterkenny together.

 

I lived at home when I had Chloe. Kieran had finished his apprenticeship but was back living in Cavan. It was tough. I felt very alone. Chloe was born on 23rd December so I spent Christmas Day in hospital.

 

I had mam and dad but as good as they were and helped when they could, they were of the opinion Chloe was my baby and my responsibility.

 

Kieran travelled down at the weekends and I loved to see him arrive. We had no time on our own though as my parents home is very small terraced house, there are no spare rooms or places to escape.
New mum Tracey and Baby Chloe

The realities of being a teenage mum…

I found being a young mum worse at the weekends or during holidays when my friends came home. My Friday nights consisted of baby baths, colic and the Late Late Show with my parents, I was just 19 so I found this incredibly hard. I became to resent the freedom my friends had and the freedom I know longer had.

Comparing motherhood, first and second time around…

I actually think being a teenage first time mum was much easier than when I became a mum of the second (third) time (twins!), I was much more nervous as an older new mum. Everything scared me. The Naivety of being 19 and a first time mum made it easier to adjust to having a baby. I had a lot more energy!

Trying to juggle it all…

I went back to college when Chloe was 9 months and brought her with me, we lived on our own in an apartment. Unfortunately with full time child care and rent and being on a student grant and Kieran’s apprenticeship wage (he was in Dublin by this stage on his next placement) I found it financially too tough. I had to drop out and return home, again. That was tough, I found it very hard to pick myself up after that.

 

When I was 23 I returned as a mature student, Mam looked after Chloe was was 3 years old and I went on to graduate with a business degree, the same year myself and Kieran got married.

 

I went on to do a masters in 2015 because I still wanted to prove something…to who… I don’t know!
Tracey’s wedding day

The parts I found the most challenging…

Looking back the most challenging part was losing my freedom, losing a little bit of myself and being a mum when I was still growing up myself.
The best thing was growing up with Chloe, she will be 17 at the end of the year and we are more like sisters than anything. We look alike, we like the same things, we kill each other but she LOVES the fact her mum is so young.

The support teenage mums need…

I think teenage mums need support for developing their skills, re-training or finishing their education. More creches in colleges, subsidise childcare for younger parents who may not be in well paid jobs etc.

Advice for other parents…

I often think about what would I do if Chloe turned around and told me she was pregnant. What I would say is, don’t yell, shout or become silent. You may want to and that’s normal, but don’t let them see this being your first reaction. Hug them, tell them its going to be okay and let it sink in. Then ask questions. Find out where their head is and if their partner is supportive.

 

Listen to them. Let them lead. They will need you but for now, let them talk.
If they decide they are continuing their pregnancy, remember…It is not the end of the world being a teenage mum, your life is not over. Things just take a different path, it maybe a harder, rockier path initially but it does straighten out and eventually rejoins the path that you had initially wanted to follow. Things always work out.
Tracey and Chloe (16)

Me, now…

I started up my blog in 2016 as I was at home with the kids and writing was always something I wanted to do. I mainly write about the kids and beauty, funny and sad whatever is on my mind!